AMRUTHAM
“You know what? I refuse to believe this nonsense.” I heard myself say. Sat on the unsupportive brown plastic chair that had kissed more ass than a middle manager at a networking event, I could not comprehend the inherent banality of what Danny had told me. The face I made must have been inviting more explanation because with a smile of someone caught in a lie, he continued speaking.
“Its basic science. Well not basic science. Just that there is a scientific aspect to it, I think. See this is how it goes…” He said putting his phone away. We were seated in the hall of my house. White walls adorned all four sides with occasional breaks for a standard picture of Jesus with ornate framing and a much simpler picture of out of focus lights. Clearly an early attempt at light painting, it looked like two dots and a line drawn by a child yet to master fine motor skills. The sweltering weather was oppressive as usual. I looked at that picture. Maybe I should change it to something more welcoming and open to conversation rather than a testament to my ability, or lack thereof, to photograph things. As usual I was distracted by something I would see every day. I made the herculean effort to tune back in to what Danny was saying.
“…. And that’s it. Its no different from what you do when you buy a lottery ticket.” He finished his thesis.
“There is no risk of death when you buy the lottery ticket, Danny. At least not guaranteed by probability.” I said sipping the warm cup of tea my wife had made for me.
“Really? You could die when you are buying the lottery ticket. You could get stabbed by the lottery ticket seller. You could get hit by a car, a truck, a bike. Hell! You could experience life saving endeavours at the hands of zealots who dislike the color of your shirt!” He said smiling.
“There’s a million ways to die in the South of India, Danny. That does not mean I should willingly throw my life away… for no reward.” I said sipping the tea again. “And what is this? Do you get paid to refer this shit? Is this a commission thing?” I asked jokingly.
That seemed to have struck a nerve. Danny’s face changed from pleasantly conversational to ticket counter staff at a railway station. “Im telling you this because I know who you are. I know what you are like. And I absolutely DON’T want you to do it.” He said with a weird resolve in his words. Like your friend who tells you not to start smoking. “If I ever find out that you tried this, I will personally slap you until the left side of your face looks like a blown up version of your testicle. Do you understand, Victor Johnson?”
“I do but I have a fundamental question though.” I waited for a beat. I wondered if he knew what I was about to say. I tried to hold my face together.
“What’s that?”
“How do you know what my testicle looks like?”
He smiles, getting up. “I can see your face. If that’s the best God decided to do up there, I can only imagine what the south pole looks like.” He headed for the door. “Im telling you again. Do NOT fucking try it.”
He left. Started his bullet and left and he did that while telling me not to do something. How am I supposed to respect whatever sane advice he gives me when that’s the dramatic ass way he decides to leave? I shook my head and tried to enjoy the tea.
The day after my wife left for her two week stay at her aunt’s place, I decided it was time. I keyed in “Thankan Chettan’s Toddy Shop” on Google Maps and decided to head there. Honestly, the idea had been fermenting (no puns intended) for a while in my head after Danny talked to me. The drive was an hour long. I was extra careful considering my usual pace. I arrived in just under 45 minutes and headed for the shed alongside the road with coconut leaves thatched to form its roof. The black and white board proclaimed the licensee’s name and a more colorful board declared “Thankan Chettan’s Toddy Shop” to the world. There were a few bikes parked outside. It was time to test this urban myth.
I headed inside and found the usual suspects seated across tables. Either severely old men or college kids who had come to taste toddy. I headed to the fat man seated at the table. Dressed in a peach shirt and dhoti, he seemed asleep until I talked to him. I imagine the buzz of the table fan to his side was a mechanical, yet serviceable lullaby.
“Thankan Chetta?” I asked. “Ivide Amrutham kittum ennu kettu.” I heard you serve Amrutham here.
“Kallu Pore?” He asked me, without opening his eyes. Why would Toddy do when I asked for Amrutham? My face, transparent as ever must have answered him.
“Purakilekku chellu.” He said and I obeyed. I headed to the back of the shed which housed a lone island hut. The circular walls had a circular seat built into them with a table in the middle. The spine of the table proceeded to reach upwards and supported the roof. I entered through the narrow opening and sat myself facing the way I came. A shirtless man walked in with a dirty smile on his face.
“Amrutham chodichathu saar aano?” Were you the one who asked for Amrutham, Sir? I nodded in agreement. His smile deepened and it made me uneasy. He continued in Malayalam. Do you understand what you are getting yourself into?
I mean, I had a fundamental understanding of the science and the probability aspect of this. But I had no clue how to explain that to this man in Malayalam. I just yawned to imply yes. He seemed unimpressed by my reflexively classist response.
“Lokam muzhuvan nedi madutha Alexander enna myranu kudikkan Amrutham ippo konduvaraam.” For the fucker Alexander, who won and got bored of the world, I shall bring Amrutham.
Seemed like a deep cut for a random worker in Toddy Shop in Semi Rural Kerala but I did not think much of it because I was anticipating Amrutham itself. I nodded and waited.
He returned with a nondescript white bottle. It looked like any other Toddy Bottle you could find in any other Toddy shop in the world. He placed the glass. “All the bestu.” He said with his characteristically creepy smile. My eyes were still on the bottle. Was I being hoodwinked? Was this an elaborate prank that Danny had decided to play on me? Was I being served regular ass toddy with a hypetrain intro? I opened the cork and that’s when things began to seem more real.
Unlike anything I had ever smelt before, this smelled like nothing. That’s right. It had no smell. And I wasn’t talking about the general smell of a place or a room. Each whiff I took, I could not smell anything at all. Even the invasive KamaSutra deodorant I had doused myself in seemed to tingle a little less. I poured out a glass and took a sip. And my world was forever changed.
I impatiently waited for Danny to come. My restless leg bounced on the floor as I tried to be comfortable in the seat. I heard the bike pull up to the garage. The way he walked through the door, I knew what was about to happen. The first 5 slaps didn’t hurt as much. By the 7th one, I decided to put my hands up.
“Stop! Danny!!! Stop it! What the fuck!” I said by the 10th slap. He seemed relentless.
“A promise is a promise, asshole.” He said loading up for another slap. I pushed him off.
“I’m here, aren’t I?” I asked finally and he seemed more incensed. He took a deep breath and then sat down on the fabric couch opposite me. I settled down too, tending to my face gingerly.
“I thought you were joking.” I said rubbing my face. He didn’t reply. We sat there in silence for a few minutes before I spoke again.
“I’m sorry, okay.”
“What do you have to be sorry for. I’m not your fucking mother.” He said dismissively. He let out another breath. “So, what did it taste like?”
“It was indescribable. I think it felt like Lindt Milk Chocolate wrapped in a Wagyu Beef Steak topped off with Biryani.” I said. “So, I obviously tried it again.”
Danny’s eyes widened. “You tried it again? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“What it’s the same risk right? If I drink it, there is a one in four chance that I die. And each time I drink that, its a 25 percent chance I die and a 75 percent chance that I taste the most intoxicating, pleasurable, unmatched taste in my life.” I say.
Danny was fuming. “I can never tell if you are an idiot or you’re cosplaying as one, Victor but this takes the fucking cake!”
“Explain it to me then.”
Danny tried to calm himself down. “Amrutham is made from Toddy. Its not normal toddy where methanol poisoning is the risk. The additive in it is derived from the venom of a snake. The venom targets your olfactory receptor, temporarily disabling your sense of smell. But the moment you ingest it, it changes. It pushes your body to produce dopamine unlike any other intoxicant but with the caveat.”
“And what’s the caveat?” I ask not genuinely interested.
“The caveat is that you fucking die! The active ingredient that pushes for dopamine production works overtime 3 out of 4 times. The fourth time, it allows alcohol to break itself down, returning to its original state: the venom. It lies in your stomach, gets slowly absorbed into your bloodstream and causes catastrophic multiple organ failure.” He finishes.
“Yeah. So that’s what I’m saying. Each time it’s a one in four chance that I die, right?”
“No you fucking moron! FUCK! The second time you drink it, the counter doesn’t fucking reset does it? Your chances of survival don’t start at 100 percent. It starts at the 75 percent you used to survive. So realistically the odds of you surviving the second drink are 75 percent of 75 percent. And it decreases like that for every other drink.” The exasperation on his face was palpable. I had a fundamental problem with his argument though. It assumed my luck of survival as a finite quantity, when luck doesn’t exist at all!
“No that doesn’t sound right. The fact that I did not die the first time has nothing to do with the second time I drink, right? It has no bearing on the potency or the function of the drink itself!” I counter. “It means that each time I drink it, there is a 25 percent chance that I can die. I think youre talking about cumulative probability and probability itself without knowing the difference.”
“Really? The difference between- You know what, is there a difference in the outcome of cumulative probability and probability in this case? Because last I checked, you die either way!”
“Yeah but how do you know though? The nature of probability is that there will never be a 100 percent chance that I will die. It can be 99 percent but never 100. And that’s what makes me sure I can keep doing this.”
“What about your wife?” Danny seemed more concerned than angry now. Maybe I had broken through.
“What about her?”
“What if you die?”
“But Im not going to.”
“But what if you do?”
“But I wont!”
“Jesus Fucking Christ. Fine, dude. If you want to fucking kill yourself chasing the dragon, fine. That’s on you. That blood is not gonna be on my hands.” He gets up to leave. “This is exactly the kind of shit I knew you’d pull.” He heads for the door.
“Wait. Danny. Wait. Just… I’ll stop. I promise. Just after this last one. I promise I’ll stop.”
Danny turned to face me. Surprisingly his face had a smile on it. But it wasn’t happy.
“Junkies will tell you, Victor, that junkies are never to be trusted. I know that because I am one. I know you are because look at you.” He motioned to me with has hands. “Look at what you choose to do to the people who care about you.”
“Didn’t realize the Bullet had a high horse mode. How’s the world looking from Mount Moral high ground?”
He stood there quietly, for a brief moment. “For once, Victor, you look small.” He then walked away.
The drive this time seemed more freeing, which was ironic. I had turned my phone off and I wasn’t bothered about the traffic on the way or the ETA. There was no music playing or a podcast droning about interesting facets of history or people. All I wanted was to reach Thankan Chettan’s shop. As soon as I did, I parked the car and practically leaped out. I headed for the counter, ignoring the regulars.
“Thankan chetta! Amrutham…” the way my statement ended was pathetic. The man did not acknowledge my existence even after I asked so pitifully. I could feel rage build inside of me. I moved aside and headed to the back of the shop. The island hut stood there but it seemed occupied. I stepped in and couldn’t believe my eyes.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I asked.
“If you die here, someone needs to get the body home right?” Danny asks. A bottle placed in front of him.
I sit to the side, waiting for him to pour the drink. “Don’t you understand, Danny? Im not gonna die. I can’t die. The odds are in my favor.”
“Of course they are.”
“I know what you are going to say.”
“Do you? Please enlighten me.”
“You are going to tell me that while it is technically possible, landing 100 heads in a row is nearly impossible on a coin toss. But Im going to tell you that those odds are wrong and at each instance of me flipping a coin, the odds are 50:50. On the first time and the 100th time.”
Danny looks at me. “Oh I understand the math. That’s why I am pouring you the drink.”
“You’re not drinking?” I asked with a hint of doubt in my voice. Danny’s face revealed nothing more than abject pity. He shook his head.
“This is the drink, Victor. Your last drink. You either die right here, or you walk out of here after. Either way, this is the one.” He said with a certain finality.
“Each time I drink it, I become a better person. You gotta understand that. I learn more about myself.” I say, my vocabulary drifting away as my eyes latch onto the glass. It was as ugly as the day I first saw it. And yet, if I had to choose anything to drink the nectar of the gods, it would be this grimy glass. I could see finger prints on it. I could see scales on it, left behind by congealed toddy and the result of poor dishwashing. I could also see Amrutham inside it.
“Take the drink, Victor.” Danny goaded me. There was something different about him. He placed the glass in front of me. My heart raced. I grabbed the glass and downed it. And waited. The taste hit me. I closed my eyes. It was like my skin came alive. My brain was on fire. The good kind. Like an LPG flame. I felt my breath leave me.
As Danny sat in the driver seat, I looked down at the mat on the passenger side. My eyes could not meet his.
“Don’t you want to know what it tasted like?” I asked sheepishly.
“I don’t.” he said simply.
“It tasted like-“
“Just stop, Victor. You were willing to gamble your life away for some cheap toddy. I don’t fucking care what it tasted like.”
“Exactly.”
“What?”
“It tasted exactly like cheap toddy.” I said all smiles.
Silence engulfed the car. He drove slowly, not playing any music. I felt sense return to me gently. “I think I’ve come full circle. Each time I drank it, it tasted less and less like anything special to be honest.”
Silence again.
“I swear, Danny. I’m done. If its gonna take like shitty toddy, then I don’t think I need to play this game. Id rather risk methanol poisoning.” I laughed.
Finally a smile broke onto his face. “Well, at least I won’t have to bitch slap you after this.”
“I suppose not.” I said still feeling weightless. My head lagging in motion behind the curves. Thank God he took the long winded slow roads. The inertia helped me enjoy my buzz better. If he didn’t, I would have been tempted to ask him how he knew Amrutham tasted like cheap toddy!
*The End*